Tiga hari terakhir ini aku begadangnya melewati batas kewajaran. Semoga malam ini aku menunjukkan sedikit pertaubatan. Tadi aku ngajar k-pop, lalu ke Jagakarsa spending time with Nique because it was her birthday.
Kita ketemu di Dua Sendok, Jagakarsa. Dia memilih tempat itu karena transport ke sana gratis, naik Jaklingko. Aku inginnya bertemu di Casper Luna, tapi ya nggak pa pa Dua Sendok. So I met here there, around three fifteen in the afternoon. It was not scorching. During the long motorbike ride from Bintaro, it was cloudy so we didn't feel grilled.
She was there before me so I didn't get to surprise her with the cakes I bought from Mako, Cinere Mall. Nevertheless, after some time talking, when I showed her the cake she was astonished. There were single big slices of Black Forest and Chantilly. I brought birthday candles and arranged them in front of her.
I don't like to pour all my feelings here because I think, well I might be wrong, that feelings are heavy. This friendship is precious to me and that moment I was elated seeing her overjoyed. Feelings so heavy I used to pour them all over social media because they need to go, probably. Yes it's not just for other people to feel it, but I simply need to let them go. But you know I quit doing that.
She said she dreams of travelling around the world and Indonesia, to learn the most authentic art and culture of each place. When we talked about authenticity versus popular demand, I zoned out and saw myself dancing, black and white, half body.
She now lives alone and I think I should be happy for her, even though she said it triggers her, sometimes. I guess better alone than living with her toxic relatives. I also feel like it's a new beginning for her.
I told her pretty much everything when she asked for a life-update.
Yes, a life. Immanence, a life, like Deleuze's article haha.
How are you? I'm sad, yet happy, yet angry, hungry, longing, satisfied. I recall the days when I was starving I weighed 49 kg. I was starving because I was poor, yet at the same time I was admired by many because I was thin. Everyone told me I was beautiful. I was lonely in my room yet I cultivated the art of being alone. nothing is singular, I guess.
So more than a decade ago, I met my ex academic manager.
"Aku baru reunian sama teman-teman sekolah. Mereka sudah jadi manager di perusahaan-perusahaan besar, dan aku masih begini aja," katanya.
"Aku baca entah di mana, kesuksesan bagi manusia modern diukur dari jabatan dan uang. Namun bagi alam semensta ukurannya adalah seberapa banyak yang kamu pelajari,". Sok bijak ya gue, tapi beneran aku pernah baca itu dan ide itu sangat menggugah. Coba dipikir. Agak susah mikir sih saat ini karena mataku perih kena lelehan sunscreen.
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