Forever Aozora

 I also have that. fluttering heartbeat uneasiness in my chest unexplainable worries,  all the pain you shared I've had them worse. but I received no help.  I swallowed and man them up. man-er than a man harder than a dick.  I didn't talk about it because parental crimes will send you to hell even though you're the victim, one can tell.  rejection, abandonment don't come to me I can't help. I won't listen I'm not interested. I wish you well but I hate it that you'll feel better, you'll feel safe and heard.  my past child doesn't want healing she wants revenge I give her prayers but she is deaf since birth. 

There are few things that I'm scared of.  I'm scared of losing freedom,  I'm scared of losing my youth.  Not on the looks but the childlike liveliness, due to the hardship of adulthood.  My body will change,  Will I still be able to dance?  This thought is childish, but honest.  Change is difficult and I have been more like a boy than a girl.  When I was a kid I was fascinated by Kungfu heroes. I didn't look forward to be a Disney Princess.  I enjoyed roaming the Capital alone, on subways and buses. I wasn't jealous of my friends getting picked up by their lovers.  I left my home at 9 PM in drizzle rain,  10 kilometers to see my favorite poet.  It was wild to go against the stream,  While most of your friends went to club and when they posted pictures none of the frames have you in.  It was wild and I am kinda proud of it.  But adulthood,  We all can't escape.  You'll probably gone through similar thing...

 "There's nothing to complain on March 2021," begitu tulisku di caption foto Instagram. Padahal Maret 2021 itu menegangkan, menyeramkan, dan stress tinggi. Tapi ya memang tidak mengeluh. Mana ada orang lagi ngadepin terror ngeluh, yang ada konsentrasi dan waspada supaya lolos dari si teroris dan selamat. On another note, I can write that life pretty much changed. I could, I can, shamelessly say "My life stopped at the end of 2019." After that it was empty. It was aloneness, unrelatedness. I have a playlist on my Spotify titled "2020 evolved". Apparently those songs were compiled  between January to March 2020. And then lockdown. I lost jobs on April, which means I would't update my Spotify or even listen to these songs. Awal-awal pandemi terasa sangat berat. Aku terkurung dengan orang-orang yang mengumbar emosi. Alhamdulillah, nggak lama dari awal lockdown langsung ketemu Ramadhan. Di sini emosi orang rumah justru semakin menjadi-jadi. Biasa, kalau...