Forever Aozora

Today I cried on gojek ride, while Khalid's chill song "Saturday Night" playing in my ear phone. Trying to not let it pour though, afraid of ruining my make up. The narration of not being good enough broke me, I guess. No matter how hard I try or how dedicated I am, I will never be GOOD in his eyes. But then I also laughed at myself. It's just a narration. It's a fiction. You're good, self. You're good in a way that others can't do you, And yes, you're not perfect. Never will be. Are they perfect? Not at all. So why cry? Why sad? Because you're angry? Because it's not fair?  Accept that everyone doesn't have a heart like yours, doesn't have a frame of mind like yours, and it's pure snake chasing its tail to want to be the best in one small, personal world of OTHER PEOPLE. Leave it. That's stupid, and shallow. Maybe that's what I should be aware of. Don't be so shallow. Coba Kei diingat-ingat waktu...

Dulu ketika baru menjejak masuk usia 20an, apapun yang dikatakan orang padaku aku percaya. Bukan percaya bahwa yang dikatakan itu benar, tapi percaya bahwa mereka mengatakan hal itu karena suatu alasan yang natural -- keceplosan, misalnya, atau mereka merasa aku perlu tahu hal itu, dan bahwa mereka benar-benar berpikir demikian. Contohnya, ketika aku pertama kali kerja kantoran, sebagai penulis di sebuah advertising agency. Project Manager yang saat itu posisinya di atasku namun notabene ia adalah teman makan siangku, tiba-tiba menyampaikan bocoran yang membuatku seperti dihanguskan petir. Kata Bos, tulisanku jelek. Tidak berbakat jadi penulis iklan, dan yang paling sedih aku dibandingkan dengan temanku yang sesama karyawan baru. Untungnya, sakit hatiku masih bisa kutahan, karena toh yang ngomong Bos. Bolehlah dia melihat seperti itu. Tapi anehnya, koordinator konten yang persis menjadi pembimbing dan pintu utama tulisanku sebelum tulisan itu bisa diunggah -- tidak pernah sekali...

Dear blog, It's Sunday and I am already mildly anxious about coming to class. Afraid of being late but I haven't even prepared yet what to wear. I did my hair instead. I used to not care of what to wear. I used to wear shorts and give zero fuck that my thighs are big. I used to never think of whether this shirt wll make me look big or slimmer. Now I'm damn conscious about it. Today's class will be 2 hours. I predicted the conditioning will be thigh-churning at the barre. I wonder how could my thighs aren't slim with those weekly grande plie? Maybe they will if I do it everyday. LOL I just randomly watched grand plie lesson in Youtube and the instructor's ass is so big. It makes me FEEL BETTER. Long story short, I survived the 2 hour class and I stubbed my big toe really hard. It is now swollen, bruised, and I can not walk on it. Aku ingin rileks dan optimis jempol kakiku ini akan sembuh dengan sendirinya dalam beberapa hari. Tapi kenyataannya adalah aku membu...