I consciously have a relationship with my body, since it likes to move very much. But no, I'm not that "the girl in a sport club" kind of student. Instead, I always failed in sport clubs or even Physical Education subject in school. I could do almost nothing, until the final exam for P.E in High School was dance. I excelled. And that was the moment I felt some kind of magic. It was maybe the joy of performing, or something beyond. Teacher told me he could not believe I could endure such a long cardio dance while I always failed in running and anything else he tested on us.
My body always has something for me to concern about. I was obese, I was suffering from a sensitive skin, I definitely was not how you see me now. It could be almost true to say that I was completely someone else back then. The more I hate my body, the bitchier it does to me. I thought it was fate LOL but I never really felt like an ugly duck (even though maybe I was) because I still saw something beautiful, in a mirror, or when I closed my eyes. I saw an undescribeable beauty inside me. My physical flaws were strong, and the feeling of beauty was pretty strong as well. It was not consolation, it was real. I also suffered depression and admitted regular visit to a psychiatrist.
You could not imagine what I was in every environment I was in. School was hell. Daily hell, Monday to Saturday. Those people at school did every heart-damaging things they could do to me. But some people, and uniquely they were expert people, like my psychiatrist, one senior teacher in my high school, and a Chinese therapist, they told me things. They said just like in a matter of fact, that I was brilliant. One more person, the young priest. A meeting with that priest was magical as well. He believed in me, for real. He wanted me to be the leader in everything in school but of course the vote never made it -- but in one catholic event, I led and I was not a catholic. Crazy. The Chinese therapist, he talked in a matter of physical body, something he was expert in, that "This body was not hers. I can see that this is not her shape." At home, I told what he said, to my sister, and she simply laughed to her heart's content.
Falling in love was a turning point. I worked out and stick to a healthy diet in a disciplined manner. The teen love story was another thing, but the love story between my body and me started. At first, it felt as if I was leading a mass ( a fat mass) to a direction I want. It was heavy and frustrating. Later, the fat mass became less rebellious and flexible. I had to keep on leading them to my purpose. If I rested a while, they were back to their rebellious nature. People started to notice my change and they asked me "what diet pill are you on?", "which nutritionist you go to?" and I was like... What? G.F.Y. There was nothing INSTANT in my change. No angel, no helper, no machines. As I changed my diet, all skin problems vanished, my face changed shape and people did not know me. It was extreme transformation.
People changed their attitudes toward me. I can't believe how appearance makes people treat you differently. Isn't that so shallow? Guys turned to be candies. They were very sweet, but if you ignore them they became bitter. Is that love? Of course I see bed in their eyes. My body brought me a new world, a new reality. It also turned me into prey.
I thought it's all about the body, physical transformation -- that change all elements in my life, yes, my inner world too -- thoughts, feelings, perceptions. But now I know it's not. It just plays a small role to the earthquake. It was The Spirit. It must be.
When I decided to change, the test began. Every time you make a decision, the test begins. There is no empty decision. Decision invites your wholeness, not only your brain. So when you betray your own decision, you actually injure your spirit. But if you are committed and do as you said you would, your horizon begins to change. Like the clouds, it moves slowly but sure, into a new perspective.
I never turn out into hot bitches in my school. But I really thought I would. Why wouldn't I? I always wanted to and then I had the facility. But I changed, because my wholeness has changed, not just my body. Wars change you. For that matter, the most effective war is a war against yourself.
I had visions. I don't know what it was, but it was not boys, sex, or love life. I did not know what it was and I still don't know. It's like I have been staring at a path while people around me never see. I was silently calling for an extreme change in everything, and it happened. When it happened I cried foul, as if life has been unfair to me. I moved alone to a big city, not like "change for good life", but it was like an evacuation. That change was a real crack, a real brain-damaging experience. I lived in a small room with petite money, and the loneliness was sharp. I felt like I'd rather have haters or bullies than this total silence...
I fell into alcoholism and depression. Worse than that, I fell into self-pity. I never pitied myself before. I pitied myself and blamed people. My health collapsed and I felt like I was in a dark place. I lost meanings. That was maybe, a small death.
In that dark place I met few people. The interval between one person to the next person is years, so I could say I met a girl, and she told me the same thing that the priest, the psychiatrist, and the old teacher did: "I see your light. You bring a message you don't even realize."
Her presence was moving. Not because what she said to me, but she symbolized something else. Her sayings and doings to me were a signifier, and the signified was probably life. Because it brought me back to life. My body had been telling me things. I had wanted to dance when the wind blew, when the sunlight struck, and when the rain poured. I did not know about dance, I just wanted to flow. My body was stiff, but I knew, something else of me was as flexible as air. I was always spacing, I felt like air.
I found a suitable practice for my yearning. It is Yoga.
My body always has something for me to concern about. I was obese, I was suffering from a sensitive skin, I definitely was not how you see me now. It could be almost true to say that I was completely someone else back then. The more I hate my body, the bitchier it does to me. I thought it was fate LOL but I never really felt like an ugly duck (even though maybe I was) because I still saw something beautiful, in a mirror, or when I closed my eyes. I saw an undescribeable beauty inside me. My physical flaws were strong, and the feeling of beauty was pretty strong as well. It was not consolation, it was real. I also suffered depression and admitted regular visit to a psychiatrist.
You could not imagine what I was in every environment I was in. School was hell. Daily hell, Monday to Saturday. Those people at school did every heart-damaging things they could do to me. But some people, and uniquely they were expert people, like my psychiatrist, one senior teacher in my high school, and a Chinese therapist, they told me things. They said just like in a matter of fact, that I was brilliant. One more person, the young priest. A meeting with that priest was magical as well. He believed in me, for real. He wanted me to be the leader in everything in school but of course the vote never made it -- but in one catholic event, I led and I was not a catholic. Crazy. The Chinese therapist, he talked in a matter of physical body, something he was expert in, that "This body was not hers. I can see that this is not her shape." At home, I told what he said, to my sister, and she simply laughed to her heart's content.
Falling in love was a turning point. I worked out and stick to a healthy diet in a disciplined manner. The teen love story was another thing, but the love story between my body and me started. At first, it felt as if I was leading a mass ( a fat mass) to a direction I want. It was heavy and frustrating. Later, the fat mass became less rebellious and flexible. I had to keep on leading them to my purpose. If I rested a while, they were back to their rebellious nature. People started to notice my change and they asked me "what diet pill are you on?", "which nutritionist you go to?" and I was like... What? G.F.Y. There was nothing INSTANT in my change. No angel, no helper, no machines. As I changed my diet, all skin problems vanished, my face changed shape and people did not know me. It was extreme transformation.
People changed their attitudes toward me. I can't believe how appearance makes people treat you differently. Isn't that so shallow? Guys turned to be candies. They were very sweet, but if you ignore them they became bitter. Is that love? Of course I see bed in their eyes. My body brought me a new world, a new reality. It also turned me into prey.
I thought it's all about the body, physical transformation -- that change all elements in my life, yes, my inner world too -- thoughts, feelings, perceptions. But now I know it's not. It just plays a small role to the earthquake. It was The Spirit. It must be.
When I decided to change, the test began. Every time you make a decision, the test begins. There is no empty decision. Decision invites your wholeness, not only your brain. So when you betray your own decision, you actually injure your spirit. But if you are committed and do as you said you would, your horizon begins to change. Like the clouds, it moves slowly but sure, into a new perspective.
I never turn out into hot bitches in my school. But I really thought I would. Why wouldn't I? I always wanted to and then I had the facility. But I changed, because my wholeness has changed, not just my body. Wars change you. For that matter, the most effective war is a war against yourself.
I had visions. I don't know what it was, but it was not boys, sex, or love life. I did not know what it was and I still don't know. It's like I have been staring at a path while people around me never see. I was silently calling for an extreme change in everything, and it happened. When it happened I cried foul, as if life has been unfair to me. I moved alone to a big city, not like "change for good life", but it was like an evacuation. That change was a real crack, a real brain-damaging experience. I lived in a small room with petite money, and the loneliness was sharp. I felt like I'd rather have haters or bullies than this total silence...
I fell into alcoholism and depression. Worse than that, I fell into self-pity. I never pitied myself before. I pitied myself and blamed people. My health collapsed and I felt like I was in a dark place. I lost meanings. That was maybe, a small death.
In that dark place I met few people. The interval between one person to the next person is years, so I could say I met a girl, and she told me the same thing that the priest, the psychiatrist, and the old teacher did: "I see your light. You bring a message you don't even realize."
Her presence was moving. Not because what she said to me, but she symbolized something else. Her sayings and doings to me were a signifier, and the signified was probably life. Because it brought me back to life. My body had been telling me things. I had wanted to dance when the wind blew, when the sunlight struck, and when the rain poured. I did not know about dance, I just wanted to flow. My body was stiff, but I knew, something else of me was as flexible as air. I was always spacing, I felt like air.
I found a suitable practice for my yearning. It is Yoga.
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